


Let Me Get What I Want (for once in my life)

by vociferocity



Category: Rat Queens
Genre: Ableist Language, Alcohol, Canon-Typical Violence, Case Fic, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Misses Clause Challenge, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 10:29:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2809112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vociferocity/pseuds/vociferocity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Violet wants to smooch, Betty wants to smooch, Dee wants to read, and Hannah just wants to get drunk with her friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Violet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cmshaw](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cmshaw/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide!

The girl is sitting in a crowded, smoky tavern with her friends. 

Her name is Violet, and all this drinking is honestly making her a little horny. It's time for a booty call. Or, as she's deciding she'll call it, slipping off her seat and winking at Betty, a bluebird call.

She's so witty when she's drunk.

Violet waves at Dee and Betty, and at the retreating figure of Hannah walking to the bar, and wanders out of the tavern.

The night is cold, and the air is brisk. As she walks down the main street, Violet can feel herself sobering up, which is genuinely disappointing. Maybe she should have had another drink before leaving? But she'd rather be curled up with Dave than drinking. Besides - he might have alcohol.

She strolls down the street, trying not to fall over as she staggers just a little from side to side. Walking while drunk: not her favourite thing ever.

Violet rounds the corner, and runs straight into a guy in a cloak, toppling them both over.

"Whoops," she laughs, clambering to her feet. She holds out a hand, but he stands without taking it. His hood has fallen, and she can see his face clearly: bald, eyes closed, dark skin, weird tattoos.

He doesn't open his eyes, just stands there silently. Slowly, Violet becomes aware of the group of - men, she supposes - standing behind him, all wearing the same cloaks with their hoods up. Behind them, off in the distance, she can kind of see a group of men walking swiftly. As she stands there, they round a corner.

"Uh," she says. "I...will be going now."

He doesn't say anything. Entirely creeped out at this point, Violet ducks around him and sets off at a trot towards Dave's place just further along the street.

When she gets there, the door is wide open.

"Oh this night is just getting better and better," she grumbles, walking inside.

The house is cold and silent and empty. No Dave, and no sign of who could have taken him. The only thing out of the ordinary is an overturned cup half-full of something that Violet can't identify with a sniff test.

She's getting a super bad feeling about this, and her super bad feelings are usually right.

Violet reviews the facts:  
 **1)** Dave has totally been drugged and kidnapped  
 **2)** She has absolutely no idea who took him, or where they took him, or why they took him

"Oh, _fucksticks_ ," she says with feeling.

Then she remembers the creepy cloak dudes. If she's learned anything on all the quests she's gone on, it's that mysterious facts are always somehow related. And _then_ she remembers the men half-seen behind them. One of them was carrying another.

"Of course," she says, triumphantly slapping her fist into her palm. "The cloak dudes were a red herring!"

Gods she's smart for figuring it out before she spent all night following them. They were probably just innocent farmers, out for a bit of fun. Violet puts them out of her mind: she knows exactly who to track down to find Dave.

So track she does.


	2. Betty

The girl is sitting in a crowded, smoky tavern with her friends.

Her name is Betty, and Violet just gave her The Wink Of Sex - probably. Betty is definitely choosing to believe that's what it was. Vi's had quite a few to drink, and Betty may or may not have put a surprise present in her last one, so she's not surprised to see Vi slide off her chair and slink out of the room, hips a-swayin'. Hannah's off getting another drink, so Betty shares an amused look with Dee.

Well, Dee's look is more long-suffering than amused, but that's ok.

"Reckon she's off to see her man?" Betty asks over the noise of the tavern.

Dee shrugs. "Probably. You know what they say about dwarves and alcohol."

"I _so_ know what they say," Betty says with an outrageous wink. She has no idea what they say. That dwarves get horny? That they drink a lot? Could be anything.

"Anyways, I might join Vi," she adds.

Dee's eyebrows shoot up. Like - way up. "A threesome with her and Dave? Seriously?"

Betty cracks up. "You should see your face!" she crows. "No, I meant I might go pay my lady a conjugal visit too. Like, have sex with her. Get freaky. Do the frick-frack."

"Have fun," Dee says dryly. "Use protection!"

There's a moment of total silence, then they both crack up.

"Dee Dee...have you ever, in any activity at all, in all the time you've known me, seen me use protection?" Betty asks, wiping away a tear.

Dee rolls her eyes with a smile. "Maybe it's time to start?"

Betty snickers and scampers out of the tavern. Time to start. Dee's hilarious.

Outside, it's absolutely fucking freezing. Betty pulls her cloak around her, and sets off at a determined pace down the street. There's a group of weirdos up ahead, heads down and the hoods of their cloaks pulled up, but Betty's used to seeing freaks around. Plus, honestly, she kind of wants one of those cloaks. They look super warm.

She passes them, then darts down an alley. It's not the best part of town, but it's a quick shortcut to Faeyri's place, and right now she just wants a snuggle.

It's not too far a walk, but she's shivering by the time she's walking up to Faeyri's front door, barely noticing the three men walking off into the distance; two of them supporting the third. Betty goes to knock, but when her fist touches the door, it swings open.

For a long, frozen moment, Betty is completely still, her heart thudding loudly in her chest.

"Fuck this," she mutters to herself, then adds with a shout: "Faeyri!"

There's no response.

Betty runs inside, then stops short. There, lying face-down in the front hall, is Faeyri. Betty drops to her knees and touches her shoulder gingerly.

"Faeyri?" she whispers. "Oh noo."

Faeyri twitches under her hand, then groans, then struggles to roll over. Betty helps her, and frowns at the spaced-out look on Faeyri's face. Her eyes are all pupil.

"What did you _take_?" she asks. Whatever it is, Betty's got to get her hands on it.

"I'unno," Faeyri mumbles, eyes rolling back in her head. "Where'd they go?"

They?

Betty'd mind snaps back to the men. Maybe that third guy hadn't been a drunk friend - maybe he'd been a _victim_.

"Oh fuck no," she says. "Who were they, and what the fuck did they give you?"

"Said it was s'posed to give me nice dreams," Faeyri sighs, curling up and closing her eyes. "Not nice yet," she adds in a whisper, and then she's out like a light.

Well, that settles it.

Betty hauls Faeyri's ass to her bed and tucks her in. She dashes out a quick note -

> **Faeyri,**   
> **you were drugged or something,** **i dunno**   
> **gonna go beat up the dudes who did it**   
> **see you later for my reward ;)**   
> **Betty**

\- and leaves it on the bedside table. Then she checks on her knives and gets the fuck out of dodge.


	3. Dee

The girl is sitting in a crowded, smoky tavern with her friends.

Her name is Dee, and Hannah has just left to get another drink. Dee's _so_ glad that her fearless leader is a total alcoholic.

And the stalwart knight at her back is a nympho, apparently, judging by the way she's sashaying out of the tavern. Dee looks over at Betty, the only member of the team still at their table, and rolls her eyes. Betty grins.

"Reckon she's off to see her man?" Betty shouts, slurring a little.

Dee shrugs. "Probably. You know what they say about dwarves and alcohol." That they can't handle it at all, despite their boasts.

"I _so_ know what they say," Betty says with a wink so huge it leaves her swaying on her chair. "Anyways, I might join Vi."

What?

"A threesome with her and Dave? Seriously?" There's absolutely no way Vi would be up for that - would there? Is that what she's into? How could Dee not know that?

Betty laughs so hard she almost falls over. "You should see your face!" she crows. "No, I meant I might go pay my lady a conjugal visit too. Like, have sex with her. Get freaky. Do the frick-frack."

Great. Now Dee's picturing it.

"Have fun," she says, trying to forget the mental image. "Use protection!"

There's a long quiet moment where Dee realises what she's said and who she's said it to. Then she and Betty burst into laughter.

"Dee Dee," Betty says, "Have you ever, in any activity at all, in all the time you've known me, seen me use protection?"

Dee rolls her eyes again, trying and failing to hold back a giggle. "Maybe it's time to start?"

Betty laughs again, and this time she does fall off her chair. Maybe on purpose? She gives Dee a cheeky salute and darts out of the tavern.

Dee looks over at Hannah, still trying to get the barman's attention, and then back to her half-empty flagon. What a waste of an evening, honestly. She could be reading.

Well, she thinks slowly, there's still time for that. If Betty and Violet can go do something fun, why can't she?

She calls out a goodbye to Hannah, then walks out, leaving her drink on the table. It was gross, anyway.

The night air outside is delightfully brisk, cool against her overheated skin. Dee spins to delight in it, then has to stop when she gets dizzy. Ugh, alcohol. She can see Betty up ahead skipping down an alley, and shakes her head. One of these days that smidgen is going to run into something she can't handle, and -

Hang on.

There's a group of cloaked people up ahead, walking towards her. Normally she wouldn't be too worried about people in cloaks - it is, after all, _totally_ the weather for that kind of clothing - but there's something about the smooth way they're moving, the sinuous unison. Something a little menacing. Something a _lot_ familiar.

"Bilford Bogin," Dee curses under her breath. Cultists, here in Palisade.

She pretends to be having trouble with her shoe as they glide past her, and tries to catch a glimpse under the hoods. The faces are blank and tattooed, and their eyes are closed. The tattoos, thankfully, don't look at all familiar: silhouettes of oddly shaped leaves.

The group strides smoothly down the main street. But as Dee watches after them, two split off from the rest and duck down an alley.

"This can't be good," Dee murmurs to herself. She wants to rush after them, maybe beat them up a little, but as much as she knows something's going down, she doesn't have  _proof_.

Well.

That just means she needs to _get_ proof, she decides, heading off at a jog towards the library.


	4. Hannah

The girl is sitting in a crowded, smoky tavern with her friends.

Her name is Hannah, and she has just finished her drink. She thinks about going on an adventure, and then decides to order another drink instead.

She walks up to the bar, as steadily as she can manage, and tries to flag down the barman. It looks like he's busy serving someone else.

Hannah looks back at her table - it's empty. Where did everyone go? She gives up on getting another drink, and goes back to the table. There's a half-drunk flagon just sitting there, so they must have left in a rush. Shit. Did she miss something bad happening? Must've.

There's no time to question the other drinkers. Hannah downs the rest of the flagon and dashes outside.

The street is empty and cold, save for a group of cloak-wearing randos wandering away from her. And for Sawyer running up to her from the other direction, looking worn-out and determined just like always.

"Hannah," he pants as he reaches her. "Where are the rest of your girls?"

She frowns and shrugs, crossing her arms. "I'm ... not sure," she admits.

He doesn't look pleased. "There are reports of people going missing," he says. "And possible cultist activity."

"They were here a minute ago," Hannah says, trying not to show be worried. They're big girls. "How could they have been kidnapped from under my nose?"

"Under your drunk nose," Sawyer says, not too impressed. "Mightn't've been that hard."

Hannah almost resists the urge to stick out her tongue at him. Almost.

"So...okay. The Rat Queens are missing, and we're gonna save them," she says, to review.

He winces.

" _I'm_ going to save them?"

"I'm a little busy," he says. "Gotta warn the other guards, and -"

"Sure," she says flatly. "Well - any suggestions?"

He shrugs. "Get more weapons?"

Well.

He's probably not wrong.

With a farewell kiss because, as she explains to him, she could die on this mission, they're trotting off in opposite directions. Which is when she remembers about the cloaks, and the mention of cultists.

Oh well, she thinks with a shrug. Sawyer's probably hot on their tail already.

Hannah's destination is plain: the Rat Queen's secret armoury. It's a secret basement under the library. Well - unused basement. Mostly unused.

When she gets to the library, she's more than a little surprised to see Dee walking down the steps.

"You escaped!" she shouts. "Are the other captives inside?"

Dee looks at her like she's gone insane.

"Have you gone insane?" Dee asks politely as she approaches. "What are you talking about?"

"You...didn't get kidnapped by mysterious cultists," Hannah says, because pointing out the obvious is always fun.

"No," Dee says slowly. "You've seen the cultists?"

"Cloaky fellows?"

"That's them."

"I've seen them, and Sawyer says they might be kidnapping people. You know about them too?"

"I saw them," Dee says. "And then I researched them. I think Sawyer is right, and I know what they're doing: they're trying to open a portal to another dimension. I found some scrolls about it, and-"

"Okay, okay," Hannah says, hands up to forestall the monologue. "Where do we go to beat them up?"

Dee bites her lip. She has no idea.

"I have no idea," she admits. "I know how to stop their evil portal plans, though?"

"That's great," Hannah says. And it is - or it will be, later. Hopefully. Which is good enough. "So - wait, hang on - where are the others?"

"Violet went to have sex with Dave," Dee says. "And Betty, well-"

"Went to have sex with Faeyri?" Hannah asks, because of course she did. "And you went to go read, because _of course you did_. Does nobody know how to have a girls night out?"

Dee shrugs. "At least we know where they are?"

True.

They set off at a jog towards Faeyri's place. She's closer than Dave, but not by much. Actually, Hannah thinks gratefully, it's pretty convenient right now how close they live.

The door is wide open, so they go inside. It's quiet. Something is wrong. Anywhere with Betty should be loud, loud, loud.

In the bedroom, they find Faeyri and a note.

> **Faeyri,**  
>  **you were drugged or something, i dunno**  
>  **gonna go beat up the dudes who did it**  
>  **see you later for my reward ;)**  
>  **Betty**

"Gross," Dee says with feeling.

"Aw," Hannah says. "I think it's kinda cute. Post-adventure reward sex. We should all get some!"

Dee rolls her eyes. Hannah's going to train her out of that, one of these days. It's bringing down morale.

"Okay," she says, once they're back on the street. "So Betty's on her own adventure. Or is she on ours?"

Dee thinks for a moment, head tilted. "Ours," she says, "probably. Usually simultaneous adventures turn out to be related somehow."

"So true," Hannah says with a sigh. That's caused many an issue in the past, like the time with the ogre and the spaghetti and the werewolves. "Well, we didn't see her on the way here. Keep going down the street and try Dave's house for Violet?"

"Lead on," says Dee, so lead on Hannah does.

Unsurprisingly in retrospect, they find a similar scene at Dave's.

"No Violet," Hannah says.

"No Dave, either," adds Dee. "Kidnap victim of the cult?"

Hannah nods. "And check out this drink," she says, pointing to a fallen cup. "It smells _totally_ foul. Wanna bet this is what Faeyri was drugged with?"

"Sucker bet," Dee says. "Was Violet kidnapped with Dave, or is she on the mission?"

Hannah hadn't really wanted to bring that up. "Let's assume on the mission," she says. "Optimism is good, right?"

"That's basically the definition, sure," Dee says, and they head off down the street again.

The street peters out rather dramatically at an intersection.

"Ah," Hannah says, looking one way.

"Hm," Dee says, looking the other.

They look at each other, and shrug.

"Magic?" Hannah asks.

"Magic," Dee agrees.

Hannah pulls out a lock of Betty's hair she always keeps in her pouch for moments like this and concentrates, calling on dark powers for insight.

"Left," she says, voice echoing strangely. "Definitely left. Then right, then through a gate, then straight, then into a cave."

"Remind me again why we don't always do that?" Dee asks, as they jog along the path Hannah's spell revealed.

"Because it reminds me of my traumatic childhood with my super evil necromantic parents who liked to torture people and take their souls to fuel their magic?" Hannah suggests.

"Ah, yes," Dee says, and keeps her mouth shut as they run.

They turn left, then right, then come up to the walls of palisade. Sure enough, there's a big old gate, and it's open. They jog straight through, and now that the way's straight, Hannah can sort of see a shape in the distance.

"That must be one of them!" she says to Dee.

"So where's this cave?" Dee asks, which is the exact moment the figure shimmers out of existence.

"Magic," they say flatly in unison.

Sure enough, there's a thick residue of magic in the air as they approach.

"Sloppy," Hannah says, unimpressed. "If you're going to hide your hideout with magic, at least _actually_ hide it."

It's the work of a moment to rip the spell to shreds, and a whole mountain shimmers into view. There's a cave entrance right in front of them. Booyah.

"Wait, hang on, time out," Dee says. "How could Violet or Betty activate this spell?"

Which is the exact moment they're beset by guards. Or raiders. Beset by a group of armed men wearing black leather, anyway.

Dee and Hannah are always a good team in a battle, but there are a lot of these dudes, and they're putting up a good fight. Hannah's just about to pull out the big guns when a tiny annoyed voice bites out: "Fuck this!" and shanks the closest guard, his face absolutely _hilarious_ as he falls.

"Cutiepie!" Hannah says, more than a little gratefulness in her voice. "We found you!"

"Uh, more like you bungled my stealth mission," Betty says, but she lets Dee hug her a little. Then she pulls her knives from the guard and lets loose with a smidgen-sized war cry before entering the melee.

Pretty soon, the only people taller than Betty are Dee and Hannah. Everyone else is on the floor, dead or knocked out or crying.

Dee and Betty start wiping their knives on their clothes, and Hannah decides to start the question part of the evening.

"So, Betty," Hannah says. "Betster. How did you get here?"

"Followed some totally suss dudes," she says. "They led me here, then vanished. Pretty much figured I'd just wait until they popped out again, then take them out one by one, but this was fun too!"

"Glad to hear it," Dee says, laying hands on Hannah and healing a couple of minor wounds.

"Second question," says Hannah, "Violet?"

"Dave?" Betty asks.

"Kidnapped," says Dee. "Probably by evil cultists who are trying to -"

"Cultists!" Betty says. "No! Those cloak weirdos on the main street? Really?"

"Really," Dee says grimly. "But I know how to stop their plans."

"Which will be good if we ever run into them again," says Hannah. "Should we deal with these dudes first?"

Betty shrugs. "They drugged Faeyri, I think. I'd really like to kill a few more of them before we leave."

Well, that's that.

They head into the cave, which turns out to be a lot bigger on the inside than it looked. It twists and turns, there are occasional torches blazing on the walls, and there are rooms and rooms full of already knocked out dudes in black leather.

"This is genuinely really boring," Betty says eventually. "Can we go yet?"

"I want to see who did this first," says Hannah. "Because I get the feeling it might be -"

"Shh," Dee says. "Can you hear that?"

They stop talking and walking and just stand for a moment together in silence. There are battle sounds from up ahead: yelling and clashing and spurting. The yelling is very familiar.

"Violet!" The Rat Queens shout, breaking into a run and dashing through the tunnel. They round a corner, and then she's there: Violet, in the middle of a huge cavern filled with the black leather dudes. Dave is on the sidelines, asleep and alive.

"Should we even help?" Betty asks. "It looks like she's doing great on her own."

Hannah wants to agree, but she can see the scratches on Vi's armour, and the blood she's splashed with. She can hear exhaustion in her voice, and there are more than a few lack leather dudes still standing.

"Rat Queens Assemble!" she cries instead, leaping into the fray.

When the first guy goes down, spitted on Dee's knife, she can feel the vibe in the room change. Violet's standing taller, and there's a desperate edge to the black leather dudes' attacks.

It doesn't take long to kill them all.

"Girls," Violet says, half-collapsing into Dee's arms. "What are you doing here?"

"We thought you and Dave were kidnapped by cultists!" Hannah says. "I mean, kind of. We also thought you might be tracking them down."

"Cultists?" Violet asks. "The cloakies? I decided they weren't involved. Chased some other dudes instead."

"Sawyer said," Hannah begins, but movement from up ahead cuts her off.

The cloaked men filter into the room. The leader pushes back his hood, and eyes closed, begins to talk.

"Well done, Rat Queens," he says. "You killed our mercenaries. But you cannot stop us!"

"Mercenaries," Betty says. "Hired to drug and kidnap people. That makes sense, I guess."

"Makes as much sense as anything else we run into," Violet says with a shrug.

"We totally can stop you," Hannah says, arms folded. "Just, by the way. So you know. We can, and we're going to."

There's a pause, and Hannah turns to Dee. In a whisper, she asks, "So how do we do that again?"

"We have to wait for the portal to start opening," Dee whispers back. "Let him monologue, he'll do all the work for us."

"Futile words of a powerless elf," the man laughs. "You cannot begin to comprehend my power!"

Behind Hannah, Betty's mimicking the man in a tiny whisper. Hannah tries desperately not to laugh. Dee thinks they should pretend to buy into his shit, they'll do it.

"Oh no," she says flatly. "We totally failed to stop you. Tragedy. Now you can open your portal safely and do whatever you want."

The man laughs again - no, cackles. "Too true!" he crows triumphantly. "Fellow acolyes, let us open the portal!"

There's some chanting, and drawing on the ground with chalk, while the Rat Queens stand around awkwardly. Hannah kind of wishes they'd gotten here fashionably late.

Finally, they seem to be ready.

"This is it!" the leader shouts, eyes still closed. It's pretty weird that their eyes have been closed this whole time, Hannah thinks, then finally realises they've been _sewn shut_.

Cultists are so fucking gross.

"My brothers, stand before me to receive His Blessing!" the cultists leader shouts, and the portal starts to glow.

"Oh fucking _finally_ ," Dee mutters, then raises her hands.

"N'rygoth, I beseech thee to close this portal," she says, and Hannah shivers. The air is cold. _Something_ is answering Dee.

The cultists don't notice, too caught up in their own ritual.

"N'rygoth, I call upon thee to slaughter these heathens," Dee calls, and the floor begins to rumble.

More than a few cultists are turning around to Dee, or looking - with closed eyes - at the ground in horror. One starts crying, tears leaking out from under his stitches.

"Finish them," Dee shouts. "I demand thee, N'rygoth!"

There's a clap of thunder, and a flash of purple smoke. The Rat Queens and Dave are outside, and the mountain is gone.

"Complicated time travel plan, or actual godly intervention?" Hannah asks.

Dee shrugs. "I'm not sure I actually want to know," she says. "Anyone want to go back to getting drunk?"

"That's the first thing you've said all day that makes sense, Dee Dee," Betty says, slapping her on the butt. "First round's on Dave!"


End file.
